Welcome to Planet Earth

Welcome to Planet Earth

Hi there and thank you for choosing to shop at Planet Earth,

We hope you enjoyed your journey here via the conventional route of birth,

Now you may not remember this but it’s been quite the battle,

We can provide you some statistics with which you’ll struggle to grapple,

A race of 100 million, and you reached the egg first,

Chance of miscarriage was high, chance of abortion even worse,

But from the width of a hair you grew and you grew,

Until you burst into our store, covered in poo,

But don’t feel embarrassed, it’s nothing new, 

Everyone is like this on aisles one and two,

We’ll clean you up and give you something to wear,

Take a few moments, get used to breathing air,

Then we’ll need you to read these, planet Earth’s T&C’s,

‘The Social Contract’ needs signing once you’ve finished reading please,

The terms and conditions vary, from store to store,

But the Universal Rights are found on pages 1 through to 4,

And we can see that you’ve opted for our lifetime plan,

So sign the Morality Waiver on page 9 when you can,

But before that we’ll give you a tour of the store,

The first thing to remember, is that we only have one door,

And though the store may look linear, Planet Earths are actually round,

And while there’s multiple levels, you’ll start and finish in the Ground,

We’re currently in the lobby, where nothing can be bought or exchanged,

Now have a look in your trolley, those items are prearranged,

You’ll see a hamper labelled Genes that includes you eye colour and sex,

You have your congenital disease gift set and look out for a pair of specs,

Those jars rolling around, they’re your religion and race,

They used to come tucked within that birthplace case,

That case now matters less and less and, well, despite the trolley’s mess, 

We must confess, that now those jars roll freely, we feel we’ve made progress,

Which is what they always say over in the Department of Science,

Who like to challenge policies from the Department of Compliance,

Science questions the nature of our pre-arranged items,

But when they make too many changes it really frightens

Compliance, who want to limit how much we tamper,

With lobby items, like the genetics hamper, 

So while Science finds ways to exchange sex and edit genes,

Compliance try to understand what the change in policy means,

Let’s move on from the lobby, it's kind of out of our control,

We’ll swing a right past the helpdesk on the nature of the soul,

Now for the next 16 aisles after the department of Circumcision,

It’s advised that you have some form of guided supervision,

Because, handling your trolley and getting used to how it steers,

Is a matter that requires mentoring for multiple years, 

So we assign every shopper two full-time volunteers,

They’ll teach you to move and they’ll tend to your tears,

They usually come in the form of a woman and a man,

And they typically stick around for as long as they can,

Again though science circumvents compliance,

For volunteers can now be a same-sex alliance,

Whoever they may be, we have a general rule, 

There will come a time when they run out of fuel,

And just as they guided you from the doorway through the aisles, 

We ask you in turn to guide them, in their final few miles.

Now after aisle sixteen, there’s no more signage, and things can get confusing,

You’ve got a while, have a browse, and just ask if you need help choosing,

So the way that shopping works here on planet Earth,

Actions are stacked on shelves but we don’t tell you what they're worth,

Pop as many as you like in your trolley and you take them to the till,

You may find others actions getting in there against your will,

But just place them all on the scale and we’ll measure their moral weight,

While we’re costing things up, you wait between those gates,

This is what we call the check-out, and it can take some time,

Especially if we find actions that constitute crime,

Sooner or later one of the two gates should open,

There’s a button for assistance if they appear to be broken,

Beyond the gates a labyrinth awaits, and this maze is not for the faint-hearted,

When you reach the end, and that you will, you’ll burst through the door from which you started,

You can checkout at any time, but it's frowned upon to cut the line,

So wait your turn, your name will be called, and we’ll usually give you a sign,

The most common of which is when you feel your trolley stopping,

Just one way we tell you that you’re nearly done shopping,

But it can also be that your trolley works fine, 

Yet you’re still stopped mid-shop and told it’s your time,

While this may seem scary, you’ve got nothing to fear,

We look after every shopper here in our cyclical sphere,

We let you shop freely, but we still monitor you with fate,

For what you acquire in your shop is all you require beyond the gate,

Whatever your route and whatever your actions,

You’ll soon collect beliefs through your many interactions,

And soon you’ll learn beliefs are actually made of the shelves,

As beliefs define our actions, and our actions define ourselves,

As you weave through our store you’ll meet shoppers doing the same,

Some you’ll walk right past, others you’ll call by them their name,

You may decide to shop together, or you may decide to shop alone,

Or you may volunteer and raise a shopper who’ll accompany you when their grown,

Sorry I digress. I must get that contract signed before we’re parted

There’s been a thousand new arrivals i need to tend to since we started,

Your Universal rights, think of these as ‘what’s deserved’,

Our department of Justice tries, to ensure the following are all observed:

That every shopper deserves LIFE, you have the right to survive,

Through the right to food and water, and to feel safe when you’re alive,

To do this you need PROTECTION, so we surveil and we alarm,

To keep you free from cruelty and to keep you free from harm,

And every shopper should be FREE, to choose items before they expire,

And to explore Planet Earth’s aisles in any which way they so desire,

And every shopper should be allowed to LEARN, from experience and wisdom,

Where the old teach the new, and the new in turn improve the system,

And every shopper should have FAMILY, and the family a tribe,

And the tribes should form nations, where nations subscribe,

To a version of our terms and to a set of common goals, 

To ensure FAIRNESS amongst the shoppers, the volunteers and other roles,

We hold these truths to be self-evident, but there’s one little quirk,

We need everyone’s cooperation, for the system to work,

You see these “Universal” rights, well, they only arise,

Because we’re all here together and we just want to survive,

But with shopping comes competition, for Planet Earth’s have limited supply,

So if we didn’t agree on some Universal rights, then A LOT of us would die,

So let’s get that contract signed, it means you’re OK with everything i’ve said,

You’ll be giving up some freedom, but its better than winding up dead,

Oh and one more thing, you don’t actually buy anything here,

You’re not really shopping, sorry if that wasn’t clear,

For the brief time you’re shopping, you’re actually just rearranging,

Moving items round while the shop itself is changing, 

Ah thank you for the signed contract, now i’ll leave you in peace,

And remember to return your trolley, cos even that’s on lease.